


"All the things I should have done when I was your man."

by skyblue993



Series: Jonnor oneshots [39]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013), The Fosters (TV 2013) RPF
Genre: Angst, Jonnor - Freeform, Love, M/M, Suppressed Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 11:12:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6655642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue993/pseuds/skyblue993
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's all happening so fast. Too fast. Every fiber of my being is shaking as he's dropping to one knee, with a shy smile on his lips.<br/>My whole life is flashing before my eyes as I start trembling; I stare at him and before dropping his gaze over his kneeling boyfriend, his eyes locks with mine one last time."</p>
            </blockquote>





	"All the things I should have done when I was your man."

**Author's Note:**

> the song that inspired this fic is "When I was your man" By Bruno Mars.

It's all happening so fast. Too fast. Every fiber of my being is shaking as he's dropping to one knee, with a shy smile on his lips.

My whole life is flashing before my eyes as I start trembling; I stare at him and before dropping his gaze over his kneeling boyfriend, his eyes locks with mine one last time.

 

_\---------_

 

_Me and Connor Stevens had always been a costant in each other's life. Our friendship always came first._

_That's why after abruptly breaking up because both of us were too young and unexperienced to deal with a long distance relationship, we tried at least to keep a long distance friendship; Surprisingly it worked._

_It's been hell, I had to admit it.. everytime we talked on the phone, my heart clenched because of the miles and miles away keeping us apart._

_My feelings for him had never faded; That until we went to the same college so our friendship was stronger than ever; We reconnected our friendship so smoothly that just astonished me; that's why when Connor casually asked me if there was still a chance for us, I told him the biggest bullshit of my life : “No Connor.” Sharp, Harsh and, as said, a total bullshit._

_See.. I know what you're all thinking but I've lost him the first time and the fear of losing him as friend, as boyfriend, as person in my life nearly killed me; Surprisingly we got to keep our friendship the first time, but I never would have taken risks the second time; Connor Stevens was too important for me._

_So I swallowed down my love for him and, even though I felt my heart breaking in million pieces when I got to see the pain and distress on his beautiful face, He'd always stood by my side._

_I've always thought that Connor Stevens is too perfect on this earth to deserve someone like me but I was too selfish back then; That's why when Connor found the happiness in Jay, I couldn't took it away from him._

_He'd always been the most supportive, caring friend and despite the immense pain I was going through everytime he talked about him, saying how much this guy was making him happy and he'd always dreamed to find a guy like him, I just had to take a step back and set some boundaries._

_It was really hard at first because we shared an apartment in San Diego and I had to see him every single day with his boyfriend.. so, yeah.. definitely not a dream come true, but I got used to it._

_Connor was happy.. I was miserable, but he was happy; it was all that matters to me._

“ _Jay has been weird these days..” Connor said one day, sitting down on the couch next to me._

_I know.. I should have felt sorry for him, but truthfully speaking I couldn't help but feel My pulse racing as hope started creepin through my chest._

“ _Oh..” Then my lips closed, trying to steady my breathing. “What happened?”_

_He shrugged, facing me on the couch as the movie I was previously watching was quickly forgotten._

“ _I think he's avoiding me..” He mumbled with a pout on his lips.  
“Maybe he's just busy..” Being a supportive friend was slowly taking me to madness. Fighting every single day between my heart and my mind was taking me apart._

“ _Maybe he's sick of me.” He countered as sadness was flashing across his beautiful hazel eyes._

_I shifted closer to him, resting with my head on his shoulder._

“ _Con.. come on, how could he ever be sick of you?”  
He looked at me in that way that always hit me like a kick in my butt. He clearly wanted to say it.. I know how much he was struggling to not utter those words ; __**You got sick of me**_ _._

_He just sighed as he kept fiddling with his fingers._

“ _You're probably right...” He said with low pitched voice, getting up from the couch. “Thanks man.”_

_That night, I shamelessy admit that I cried myself to sleep as I kept saying to myself that what I was feeling, the endless consuming pain, was what I deserved for screwing things up and I had to stick with it, for the rest of my life._

 

 

And here we go..when a celebration dinner for Jay's promotion turns into something bigger.

We've finally reached the moment of his life time, the moment of truth, the last stop of our journey.

“Connor..” He says as tears of emotion fill his eyes. “I.. I don't know what to say.” He closes his eyes as a nervous laugh escapes from his lips.

“You're the love of my life.. and there's nothing I want more than be with you, until my last dying breath.”  
_I know the feeling, I do.._

Connor is freezed on his spot; his legs are trembling as he looks down at Jay with panic flashing across his eyes.

“Will you marry me?”

I'm honestly tempted to get the hell out of this restaurant, in this exact moment... I can't look at this. My heart won't survive this.

His mouth falls open as to say something, as to give him an answer but surprisingly, nothing comes out.

He briefly looks at me and it feels like he's asking for my blessing, he wants a sign to move on with his life, he's silently asking for permission to let me go.

I can't do that. I can't do that anymore.

No one probably notices me leaving the restaurant, too busy sighing dreamingly at the romantic proposal..

I know what you're all thinking.. What happened to “Let him be happy, Move on with his life.” “I don't deserve him.” and bullshits like that? That's your answer Ladies and Gentleman; They're all bullshits.

I can only pretend that I don't love him that much, that watching him building his own life with another person doesn't destroy me, but it does.

I was selfish when I was young, I shouldn't have been scared, I should have taken what was rightfully mine. I made mistakes but I'm human, and I can't control my feelings, I can't control what my heart wants.

The route from the restaurant to our- soon to be mine- apartment is surprisingly short. I close the door behind my back. I'm resting my weight against it trying to keep me steady as finally years of suppressed feelings finally comes to the surface.

I feel my throat sore and aching as I finally let all my frustration out. It feels like something is draining within me and it feels good; I honestly prefer this emptiness rather than feeling like carrying a huge, constricting weight on my chest all the time.

Finally I feel like I can breathe, Finally.. the pain ends. It just leaves emptiness and weakness as my legs cave in and I find myself sitting on the floor.

I'm not sure about how much time I spend sitting on this floor but soon, when I feel my pulse racing again and my blood running through my veins, when I feel like I drained out every tears out of my eyes, I finally stand up and in that moment I realize that I'm still wearing my coat.

I feel my stomach growling but in this moment, I don't have the strenght to eat. I just want to go to bed, and I just do that..

As I lie in my bed I give a quick look at my alarm clock, realizing that's been an hour and Connor is probably celebrating his engagment in this moment.

I close my eyes, as memories of our years together starts flowing through my mind. It hurts, but.. It's all I have left.

I suddenly realize I've fallen asleep when I feel a warm hand on my foreharm turning me around.

Before I have the time to process what's happening, Connor's lips lay gently on mine.

He pulls away and I just look at him because I can't help it, He's sitting on the edge of the bed right next to my face.

“Connor.” My voice comes out shaky and low, still sore for my screaming performance.

“Jude..” His voice is as hoarse as mine and I sadly realize He's been crying.

I feel my eyes closing when he lifts up his hand, gently caressing my hair.

“I couldn't do it.” At his words my eyes snaps open as my heart is skipping beats.  
“But... Connor.. why? ” His eyes never leave mine as he leans in, until his face is inches away from mine; the proximity makes my head spin.

“Because... I Would have regretted it for the rest of my life.” He admits with shaky voice. “I'm not over you.” He cries and my heart breaks for the millionth time.

“I will never get over you.” He wipes at my falling tears as my hand tangles in his hair.

“Connor..”

“I know...” He says. “I know you'll never see me like that.” He sniffs wiping at his own tears.

“I know I'm giving up on a future with a wonderful guy.. but I'm not ready to give up on you, I will never give up on you.”

My chest feels suddenly full again with something good.. something worthy of the weight I'd be carrying.

“Connor.” Before he has the chance to reply I'm pulling him down on me.

Our lips connect and he let out a soft moan as my tongue slides inside, moving against his.

He climbs on top of me, I give a small laugh against his lips when I notice that he's still wearing his coat..

“I love you.” I tell him as soon as we pull away. His eyes looks shiny and finally filled with bright light.

“Really?” He looks at me in the most adorable way. His eyes blown wide are locking with mine,and when I just nod to him, he kisses me again.

“I love you too, so fucking much..” He moans as runs his lips over the skin my neck. “Oh Jude..”

In a short amount of time we get rid of all of our clothes.

“You're mine.” He pants agains my neck, as his hands run over my body.

“Yours.” My voice comes out strangled as his hand touches me, slowly taking me to the edge.

We make love for the first time; slowly and taking our time to enjoy each other's body and breathless loving words escaping our lips as finally... I'm contently in my _**man's**_ arms.

 


End file.
